


Haunted Minds

by talonyth



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, just kind of ship-implying though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-27
Updated: 2013-09-27
Packaged: 2018-01-04 15:19:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talonyth/pseuds/talonyth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A person to look up to was a person to surpass in every manner. A person to respect was a person to gain respect from, in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Haunted Minds

"Tobio-chan~ What a coincidence to see you here."

He recognized the voice the second he heard it and he had never wished to disappear as quickly as he did now. He was the last person Kageyama wanted to see, let alone talk to. 

"Uh, yeah."

"What are you doing out here? It’s late evening and it’s freezing."

More than just once, Kageyama felt like wiping the smile off Oikawa’s face. Over the years, it had become a picture of his nightmares. A terrible realization that he’d always stay behind. 

"What’s the deal? You’re outside, too."

"Ah, you’ve gotten so bold these days. You’re nothing like the cute little Tobio I used to know."

His smile grew wider. Kageyama’s heart stopped for a second. He couldn’t tell anymore. He couldn’t tell whether it was fake or not. He used to be able to. Over the time, he’d seen Oikawa smile so often that it was like his face was frozen to that expression without showing what he really felt. But this time, he was unable to tell. 

"Yeah, perhaps because I’m not anymore. And I’ll never go back to how I was."

"That might be true. You are as bitter as you used to be in your last years. I do kind of feel bad for you."

Fake. It was a fake smile. Or was it? Condescending yet there was something else aswell and it was not the pity he faked to have. Kageyama wanted to respond but he felt like his throat was tied tightly by a rope he could never cut through. 

"But you’ve got a place now, right? Congratulations, you seem to get along just fine with your new team. Except they don’t really know you yet, right? In the end they are going to leave you behind, too. Don’t get your hopes up for nothing. You are going to be as lonely as before. Look at yourself. You don’t even make an effort to be positive.”

Something didn’t feel right. That was nothing he would say. Or was it? No, something was definitely not right. And even though he meant to object, no words came out of his mouth. 

"You could fake it, you know. Fake a smile, and people follow your every word. It worked for me, too. You don’t have to be in a good mood everyday. But you could at least try and pretend. You will never be able to be better than me if you can’t even do that."

"…I am not like you. I…"

A person to look up to was a person to surpass in every manner. A person to respect was a person to gain respect from, in the end. 

There was no way Kageyama would ever admit, to anyone in the whole wide world, how he felt about the person who taught him so many things. Most of the people thought he simply saw him as a rival, as a person on the same position as him, but it was far more than just that. Some asked him if he hated him. That person that was rotten to the core. 

He didn’t, really. There was no way he could. The only thing he did hate was his inability to show his own worth in comparison to him. Yet he figured he would never be like him. It both devasted and built him up. He never wanted to fall as low as he did although he knew that that was the reason he was such a strong personality. He didn’t know a person who didn’t acknowledge him. 

There were so many things Kageyama thought about him, and they always ended up being ambivalent thoughts. He wanted to be like him but he didn’t. He wanted to be acknowledged by him but he also didn’t. He wanted to change their relationship but he didn’t. What would that change? In the end, Kageyama figured, he himself was the one who slowed this process down. He couldn’t do a single thing of what he wanted to do. He felt like he was stuck in a place he didn’t want to be stuck yet it felt too safe to leave. 

"But you want to be. You know, you do. The more you think about it, the better it would be, right? You want to try, to do it like I do. But you fail. You can’t even do that much. You might be better than me as a setter but you will never be able to surpass me with your attitude. 

Why don’t you give it up? Why don’t you let it rest? I showed you more than once that I can do far more than you. You saw it. Your former teammates work so much better with me. Everyone would work better with me. If they had to choose between you and me, who do you think they would pick?”

He jerked up and opened his eyes quickly. It was a dream. He still remembered that complacent grin Oikawa wore on his face as he said all those things. His hands trembled and his breath ran quick. It had been just a dream after all. 

He reached out for his phone to see what time it was and noticed a message he didn’t read yet. Of course not. All he did when he got home was fall into his bed and fall asleep after training. He was trying so hard everyday. Why was he plagued by thoughts and dreams like that?

His eyes were too unfocused to read the message properly the first time so he just read it once more. 

"Tobio-chan, it’s me, your senpai! I was really surprised to see you training right after our match. Didn’t think you’d have the strength to do it. You really try hard. I didn’t expect anything less. It’s a shame we can’t play together anymore. Though… we never really did, did we? I still miss you on my team. I have no one to pester anymore, they all go against me!!! Next time I am going to crush you so hard you won’t be able to stand up again, just you see."

What a messed up message. He really couldn’t decide whether to be that obnoxious alter ego-like personality he showed off or to be himself. Kageyama sighed and thought of replying but he didn’t. He never did. Although he got a message everyday. He wondered what Oikawa thought about him, after all. It seemed like he still had ways to go to be acknowledged by him but he felt like he could sleep a little easier after that message. 

—

"He hasn’t replied to me…"

Oikawa wasn’t surprised. He never did. What a respectless kouhai. But then again, he could see why. It still hurt somewhat. They had never been best friends, he admitted that but he always felt so close to that young, little boy that was so focused on the sport he loved so much. 

It was no real surprise that he got so strong after all. No matter how much Oikawa trained, he would never be able to be as good as Tobio was. That boy was a natural, it felt like he was born to play volleyball. It was irritating but most of all, it was devastating. He could never achieve the same level as a person who was two years younger than him, no matter how much he tried. 

Now more than ever, he felt Tobio slipping through his fingers and he didn’t like it. He lost him. A long time ago. 

He wanted to mess him up, to stir him up so much he couldn’t think for the sole reason of being as he was yet at the same time he wanted to reach out to him. By now, Oikawa was certain, Tobio had realized his mistakes from the past and would always, always try to improve. That was the biggest threat. If only he was a natural without the means to try his best, then he would be a no-brainer. But like this, he knew, Tobio would be much better than him in the shortest time. It felt so wrong. So very wrong. 

He put his phone aside and rolled to the side, closing his eyes. There was no way he could fall asleep. Tobio would haunt him in his dreams again, as he always did, that little brat. Mocking him and laughing at him, pointing out how he was a whole package of fake wrapped in fake paper with fake filling. 

At that thought, he opened his eyes and buried his face into the pillow. In a lifetime, there was no way he would ever achieve to surpass him. The advance Oikawa had was growing closer every second, with every breath and he only admitted to himself that Tobio became a person to look up to, a person to surpass in every manner, a person to respect and a person to gain respect from to him.


End file.
